the great debate

I've been debating lately whether it would be a good idea to even have a child because of all my health problems. I go to get checked for another major health problem in a month...a problem that could be passed on to a baby. I don't want to put it through that kind of pain. Sometimes I think my life is so miserable with my health problems, and then we'd add Mark's health problems to the soup. His aren't that great either. I still need to do some research and talk to a genetic counselor.

     With the way life is in general, would our child really want to live with all the problems we'd pass to it? Life is hard enough without them! Would they thrive despite their problems? Would they be stronger because of it? And what about the fact that there are so many children without parents, are in abusive situations, or are starving?

     Is it selfish of me to want a baby anyway? All my life I've dreamt of being pregnant and having a baby to care for...to sing to sleep, to teach, to learn from, to watch grow. I want to take them school shopping every year, make them breakfast before they go to school, go on picnics, make our own traditions and memories. I loved my childhood! Mark and I are both artists - I want to see what kind of work of art we can make. I want that miracle! I want to be able to look at our baby and see who's eyes it has, who's ears, fingers, etc. I'm curious to see if we'll make a redhead. (I'm crying just thinking about it.) I want to see what kind of mischief it can get into, what books it will be interested in, what it will want to do with its life. I want to see what kind of parents Mark and I will be.

     Every day I see parents, who I think are too immature or irresponsible, walking with several children in tow as they go grocery shopping or to movies. It's not really fair. I despise them. I think they're completely ignorant sometimes. That family with 17+ kids...I hate them as well. Oh, so much.

     I wish I felt more certain about this.