Goals...and Dreams

   I've been to Oregon's coast twice now, but it only took me one look...one breath to fall under its spell. I love green! I love the trees when they're covered in moss; they seem so soft, protected and friendly. I just want to rub my face and neck against them; feel the warm mist envelop me as it wafts from the violent surf. I want to walk through the forest naked so that every pore of my body can breathe in the stillness. What? I do. And, although I'm deathly afraid of creepy crawly things, I'm fascinated by the diversity—the slugs, butterflies, leaves, mushrooms, ants, beetles, caterpillars, everything! I love the lighthouses; I love to learn about the lifestyles of the keepers & their families, how they replace the bulbs and the mirrors. I enjoy seeing the different structures, climbing their spiral staircases, and looking out across the vast ocean. Sigh.

   Anyway, it has always been a dream of mine to move out somewhere along Oregon's coast. I just think it's so beautiful, tranquil, clean. I know it can't be perfect; I do realize that. Most of my life I've dreamt of living there in a little house with lots of windows that smell like Windex, right next to the forest. There are solar panels, skylights, hardwood floors, clean water, a jacuzzi tub, and a sun room or a greenhouse where I can relax, read, write in my journal, or just think. I want to take beautiful pictures without having to go very far. I want to have lots of space for cooking and creating, painting. I want to walk with a dog or ride my bike through the slightly-worn paths with fern fronds gliding past our legs. I want to walk along the beach and collect little seashells. I don't want to live very close to others. I don't want to hear trucks on the road...only the waves crashing against the rocky shoreline. I want a little town, a clean and fresh town, where I can window-shop and buy books, rest my feet in a quaint coffee shop, or look up at the sky to see raindrops a'fallin'.

   Somehow I've always known this dream wasn't practical. With the stupid economy right now, there aren't any job opportunities over there. There aren't any opportunities where I live now, either. I'm also afraid that if I gain my actual independence by moving out there and buying a house, that I'll start missing my family dreadfully. That's how it was when I finally went away to college. I got so sick of my family, rented an apartment off-campus a couple hundred miles away, then got homesick and either called my mom every day or drove down a couple weekends a month to visit. Sometimes I feel as if Orem isn't far enough away to avoid most of the obligations, but I'd be sad to avoid them all.

   What happens when Mark and I decide to start a family? I'd like to be around my families, and my mothers for female support. I don't like doing things alone, for the most part. What about making a whole new network of friends? Getting used to new jobs? the area? To tell you the truth, the idea of moving somewhere I know so little about (in the ways of living), scares me to death. But, oh! How much I want to live there. Perhaps, in the future, I'll have a new dream to replace this one. I guess only time will tell.